The school year is off to a tortoise's speed which I'm sure will pick up to a hare's. I'm still as confused as I was a few weeks before the beginning of term. I should speak to Ms. Gaytan. ;) To my misfortune, I was denied a short term loan because I had already received my disbersement of $49.00... I guess it isn't so bad since I found out soon after that I'm only required one book. A textbook that a couple of friends have offered to let me borrow. Woo Hoo!
Prior to the break, I let my wild side run a little bit. It's all thanks, or no thanks, to my Dad. During a telephone conversation, I was feeling a little, Meh(for lack of a better term) and he picked up on it.
"What's the matter Richie? You sound a little, wound up."
"Yeah, I've been stressing a little bit. School and such. I've been having trouble sleeping and-"
"You know what your problem is Mijo?"
"Not really. ???"
"Your need to get you some pussy son"
Of course I didn't respond to him the way I had in my mind, so I let the conversation go on until he had to go because of his phone's dying battery. I'm not sure if he was buzzing when he was talking to me but I'm more than sure that he was aware of his statement. I never expected my Dad to give me that kind of advice. It was always, "Take care of yourself Richie." "Wear a Jimmy Richie." "Don't do 'this'." "Don't do 'that'." What he had said took me by surprise. It bothered me but intrigued me at the same time. Yet, I held on to this piece of advice. I mulled it around in my head. It didn't take me long to process so..
After that moment I had contacted some old friends that I had made growing up, and kept in touch throughout the years. I had started to party with these folks. Made with their friends and just got a little crazy with them. Drank, and then some. (it got a little weird at one point) I had to keep myself from allowing situations to get out of hand. It was at this point where I began to realize a lot of things..
I wasn't always fucked up at 'socials'. It was at a Christmas party that I went to that I came to realize how wonderful a feeling it is to appeal to girls that aren't inebriated. Girls that were actually attractive AND attracted to me. Things would almost get out of hand thereafter as well. Nothing serious though.
During the break, I've had a tremendous confidence boost. I think, anyway. I've had chance at a relationship, but passed it up. Not something I was looking forward to. I began to like the 'single' thing. It also dawned on me that it is so easy for ANYONE with confidence to act a fucking whore. AND that there are soo many HO's in the valley. Haha. But I'm not looking for a HO. And I don't think that a little nookie(thanks Fred Durst) would solve anything. (No thanks Dad) Sure, I threw my inhibitions to the wind for a while but I'm starting to take hold of the reins again. I thank God that I am not a whore. It's not me. One thing I am grateful about my father's advice is that, had I not "partied", I wouldn't have found another piece of my puzzle... I never actually got any, though I could have. ;)
Throughout all of these happenings, I e-mailed my favorite high-school teacher at a time of need of a fatherly figure. His response went something like this:
I appreciate the fact that you would turn to me with such personal and life altering questions. I apologize for taking this long to respond to your email but, It's been that kind of week. Just know that you always have a friend.
You've posed a series of interesting and difficult questions. I understand how difficult it is to go through life without a male figure around to guide you (let alone command results).
As I recall, college was difficult for me. I really didn't hang out with anyone at the university. I really only had a couple of friends I spent time with. I really didn't know what I wanted to do at first. I contemplated being a media journalist, veteranarian, and even, that's right, a teacher. I finally chose the latter for specific reasons, but I often questioned whether my college career was the right choice for me. It's normal. It's natural to question you position and your status in the world. College is the place where you lose yourself and then find yourself (hopefully). Stick it out. Give it a chance. I mean, I didn't know what my career was going to be until late in my sophomore year. The answers will come. Live life, even though it sucks sometimes.
Girls, wow, that's a whole different can of worms. I never really made a conscious effort to remain single. I've had my share of heart breaks and then again, I've been on the giving end of those heart aches as well. I've always followed my heart. I had it broken and became extremely guarded and cautious (probably a little too much). In and out of relationships, loving, leaving, being left--all part of the concept of "love". Hindsight is always 20/20. If I had the opportunity to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing! I'm sorry about your first girlfriend. Unfortunately, it happens, it hurts, and most of all it sucks. Although this may be the case, never give up on love. Yes, it can be the most frustrating, hurtful thing in the world but, it can also touch the soul. That's the beauty of that "crazy little thing called love".
We should talk about this some more. Give me a call (***-****)[Mad?]. I'd rather discuss this in person. Help you out a bit more. We can contemplate the complexities of the world. Or, we could just shoot the shit. I hope i helped a bit.
This guy also helped me out in so many ways. I'm glad to have run into him in my life. I'm enjoying college a little more and continue to wait until the time comes when I know for sure what it is that I want to do. My views on love continue to change. I really miss having that someone special. But I'm okay right now. I've been hurt and I think I did some heart-breaking of my own. I suppose it is what it is..
I was supposed to call her to "Finish this conversation we started a million years ago". But I kept from doing so. I thought twice about the content of that conversation. I have really just wanted to talk to her lately. Just talk. Because the fact of the matter is, I miss talking and listening to her. I was surprised at myself.
At some point(don't remember when), I had another 'me moment'. This is where I successfully mixed my oil and water; I had come to another fork in the road. "How can I Hate so much, a person I Love and care for so deeply?" Soooo much frustration. Hours later, the feeling let up. I no longer knew what it was exactly that I felt about her. I had fused love and hate and didn't know what the results it yielded were. Apathy maybe? No. I don't know.
I have said before that I was better and that I was okay. I was only kidding myself then. I'm twice the person I was before... I leave it here, In the past where it belongs. I'm happy right now and I'm happy for you too. ;) I haven't dated in the sense that I haven't had a girlfriend, but I have gone out on "dates" with other girls, I guess.
I have never mentioned the content of this entry to anyone and it took quite a bit out of me to decide to disclose this information. So there we go.
I've met interesting people from here and afar. I have learned so much about myself (to my surprise, at home and pan-am) and I KNOW that there is much much more. Wherever else life takes me.
I hope to get some classes done at UNT for the summer. Or go to spain for some guitar. Haha. Wishful thinking.